time to blurb about crapola

Yeah, yeah, i know its been a while, life tends to get in the way when all you really want to do is write, drink coffee, sleep, eat and generally be that slovenly beast some days. Its not all been roses here..firstly my marriage is currently undergoing some therapy, it seems all of us to some degree are paying out for therapists left right and centre. Our bank balance is suffering a little and even though things are a bit tight the benefit to all that therapy is a whole heap of new love for everyone. Its been a long time since I can walk around town without feeling too self conscious or go out to lunch  and not suffer an anxiety attack.

I have some self esteem but not that much!!

Self esteem is not something I have had for a very long time.
My gorgeous therapist has helped me gain some perspective about things and has guided me to self esteem and to loving myself.
Even though homeschooling has been turned upside down by my epic marriage issues and issues surrounding a certain teenager, it seems things are settling and I am hoping Ava is ready to resume school next week with some enthusiasm and less meltdowns. School has pretty much been hit and miss for the last 2 months.
As much as I wanted to hold things together, because of certain issues that are just too painful to reveal here (some will know I'm sure) I have ended up on medication for a while.
I have resisted it for so long now, felt ashamed to admit I needed some help. I have to thank some lovely women in my life for helping me through some grand old shit.

I've also begun my weight loss journey. To date I've lost 15 kilos, really its not that noticeable except for the floppier than usual tummy and the skinnier legs and face. I hope to lose another 30 kilos before I approach a surgeon about a boob job and a body lift. Yes I'm embracing my inner vanity!! No amount of exercise will remove the intra abdominal fat in my layers and the apron that hangs ,I've been told by the doctor recently will probably weigh 10-15 kilos after its taken off. I still need to have my upper abdominal muscles stitched together. Thanks to a lovely first pregnancy, my stomach was never the same. I carried Ava to 25 weeks but I really never looked pregnant. In fact, I only gained 4 kilos but with HELLP syndrome managed to pack on nearly 25 kilos of fluid. My first 10 days in hospital saw me lose over 12 kilos.

After a year I had successfully lost 40 kilos in Ava's first year of life thanks to walking and breastfeeding (walking the hospital corridors and from the car parks was a killer). As soon as I stopped feeding my RA returned and the weight.
So on and so forth..5 years later I am ready to finally tackle my weight. I can't guarantee complete success but I'm going to give it a good crack. I'm sure I can be motivated and if I become really vain I'm going to employ a personal trainer.
I'm not going to run marathons that I'm sure of , but I can at least try to live as healthy as I can.
I have to admit those it kinds of bugs me on those shows where I see large people who need to lose weight and what they eat. I have never eaten badly, yes we all eat takeout but not every day. I don't eat like that.
I actually can't afford to, whilst I have not lost huge amounts I never gain..just yo-yo between 10-15 kilos loss, but never gain..does that make sense?
I challenge anyone who is not living with crippling RA especially where knees etc are compromised to understand that exercise, even walking is painful. If a person with RA overdoes it they can be in pain and fatigued for days..if I've had a big day out walking around (A big day out for me is a few hours going to a few shops) I am often very sore and tired for at least 2 days.

its going to be hard..My treadmill is currently sitting under the patio and I need to bring it back in...
About the cooking thing too...everybody in the household needs to make sacrifices to help me changes in this journey..my first port of call is white bread..yes my teenager won't eat any other but the rest of us do..so sacrifice it is..so if majority rules then it stays in the house, if not then out it goes. I can guarantee you my teen will probably lose!!.
Another thing that happened this last couple of months is my connection with the whole unschooled approach. I have figured out that if Ava's is to succeed in learning she needs to have this approach more often. Whether it helps her on her literacy road which sadly is lacking due to the sensory issues I may never know until i try.
I will approach my new group of homeschoolers and hopefully will be able to help her a little more.

Well that's all from me..sorry its been so long between posts..please enjoy the new selfish me, she may not be there for long but she's trying to gain some identity again. I need to say "I'm hot shit" like Emily says and "I love myself".
I'd just like to say how awesome it was to put my wedding dress on and be able to grab two generous handfuls either side.. lol