The day has come

12 years later my beautiful brave daughter met her birth father today

                                  EMILY BIRTH

... I only wish I could have been there to hold her hand but it seems alot of hand holding was done by the new people in her lives. She did not need me and that gives me confidence in letting go just that little bit more. Trusting others with my children is a big thing for me, considering how Greg and I parted ways. He was not a nice person towards the end and I cut my looses and ran.
All is well it seems, Emily I think, finally has a place. This may have been the one thing she needed to help her on her teen road.
She has met her birth father and has identified with him already. They are very similar to look at and in nature. I feel proud to have raised her, as does Graeme. He is her Dad after all, and she made that clear to him with lots of hugs and kisses and reassurance.
I had a little tear in my eye when they talked and also felt quite emotional at Emily's happy and relieved face when she walked into the room to see me this afternoon.
Of course time will tell if things pan out, I already see warmth and goodness all around. Both her grandparents have welcomed her with open arms (and lots of cake apparently lol).
Greg could not stop kissing and cuddling her, he has changed immensely, hes not the monster loser he used to be, I mean it wasn't all bad..we did produce the most divine daughter, we had a whirlwind relationship but because of certain lifestyle choices on his behalf it just ended so horribly.
I'm glad he's cleaned himself up and he has a stable job. His party ways have stopped and hes now ready to take on a new chapter in his life...a teenage girl.

                                                 MEMORIES
I am dead scared of course...of her leaving me and wanting to be with him, shes still too young in my opinion for making those choices and I think I know in reality she would never leave her mum or her baby sister, that would break everyone up.
So I think I let go today....I finally felt comfortable and trusting in my own instincts to be the bigger person and give to Greg and Emily the chance to know each other, to invade each other and to form a beautiful bond.
In essence everyone needs a sense of identity, even if we say we may never want to meet a birth parent if they have been out of our lives for a long time, I think we do...I have waited and waited for Em to make the decisions, maturity has seen her decide that this year was the year,. honestly it could not have come at a better time considering my marriage issues, this will free her up to escape if need be, to have someone else to talk to, and to generally air things she may need emotionally. she can be very closed and guarded.
My heart is leaping with joy at all the new excitement in her life. If only my life had that wow factor!! LOL
I don't want to put a message here by saying that all children need to know their birth parents because circumstances may not be ideal but having someone else there especially if they are willing to reach out and care,  or love you is special.
I want my daughter to know that I never intentionally meant to keep her from him..I could just never find him....I moved on...she knows the ins and outs mostly of my relationship with Greg, good and bad, sad and happy, strong and weak.
She never pushed me to find him, never asked too much, just got on with things, embraced a new Dad in Graeme at 3 years of age. He has raised her too, we are a family. having a little sister has made Em belong..and now she has the chance to plug in the extension cord and get more out of life and relationships.

                                        EMILY 2-3 YEARS
How intensely soppy am I? I'm sure there will be times her tears will flow and she will need me..shes showing her independence more and more each day...such a unique person, one who makes me smile and makes me proud every day.... love you Emily xoxox

                                          TODAY AT 14

time to blurb about crapola

Yeah, yeah, i know its been a while, life tends to get in the way when all you really want to do is write, drink coffee, sleep, eat and generally be that slovenly beast some days. Its not all been roses here..firstly my marriage is currently undergoing some therapy, it seems all of us to some degree are paying out for therapists left right and centre. Our bank balance is suffering a little and even though things are a bit tight the benefit to all that therapy is a whole heap of new love for everyone. Its been a long time since I can walk around town without feeling too self conscious or go out to lunch  and not suffer an anxiety attack.

I have some self esteem but not that much!!

Self esteem is not something I have had for a very long time.
My gorgeous therapist has helped me gain some perspective about things and has guided me to self esteem and to loving myself.
Even though homeschooling has been turned upside down by my epic marriage issues and issues surrounding a certain teenager, it seems things are settling and I am hoping Ava is ready to resume school next week with some enthusiasm and less meltdowns. School has pretty much been hit and miss for the last 2 months.
As much as I wanted to hold things together, because of certain issues that are just too painful to reveal here (some will know I'm sure) I have ended up on medication for a while.
I have resisted it for so long now, felt ashamed to admit I needed some help. I have to thank some lovely women in my life for helping me through some grand old shit.

I've also begun my weight loss journey. To date I've lost 15 kilos, really its not that noticeable except for the floppier than usual tummy and the skinnier legs and face. I hope to lose another 30 kilos before I approach a surgeon about a boob job and a body lift. Yes I'm embracing my inner vanity!! No amount of exercise will remove the intra abdominal fat in my layers and the apron that hangs ,I've been told by the doctor recently will probably weigh 10-15 kilos after its taken off. I still need to have my upper abdominal muscles stitched together. Thanks to a lovely first pregnancy, my stomach was never the same. I carried Ava to 25 weeks but I really never looked pregnant. In fact, I only gained 4 kilos but with HELLP syndrome managed to pack on nearly 25 kilos of fluid. My first 10 days in hospital saw me lose over 12 kilos.

After a year I had successfully lost 40 kilos in Ava's first year of life thanks to walking and breastfeeding (walking the hospital corridors and from the car parks was a killer). As soon as I stopped feeding my RA returned and the weight.
So on and so forth..5 years later I am ready to finally tackle my weight. I can't guarantee complete success but I'm going to give it a good crack. I'm sure I can be motivated and if I become really vain I'm going to employ a personal trainer.
I'm not going to run marathons that I'm sure of , but I can at least try to live as healthy as I can.
I have to admit those it kinds of bugs me on those shows where I see large people who need to lose weight and what they eat. I have never eaten badly, yes we all eat takeout but not every day. I don't eat like that.
I actually can't afford to, whilst I have not lost huge amounts I never gain..just yo-yo between 10-15 kilos loss, but never gain..does that make sense?
I challenge anyone who is not living with crippling RA especially where knees etc are compromised to understand that exercise, even walking is painful. If a person with RA overdoes it they can be in pain and fatigued for days..if I've had a big day out walking around (A big day out for me is a few hours going to a few shops) I am often very sore and tired for at least 2 days.

its going to be hard..My treadmill is currently sitting under the patio and I need to bring it back in...
About the cooking thing too...everybody in the household needs to make sacrifices to help me changes in this journey..my first port of call is white bread..yes my teenager won't eat any other but the rest of us do..so sacrifice it is..so if majority rules then it stays in the house, if not then out it goes. I can guarantee you my teen will probably lose!!.
Another thing that happened this last couple of months is my connection with the whole unschooled approach. I have figured out that if Ava's is to succeed in learning she needs to have this approach more often. Whether it helps her on her literacy road which sadly is lacking due to the sensory issues I may never know until i try.
I will approach my new group of homeschoolers and hopefully will be able to help her a little more.

Well that's all from me..sorry its been so long between posts..please enjoy the new selfish me, she may not be there for long but she's trying to gain some identity again. I need to say "I'm hot shit" like Emily says and "I love myself".
I'd just like to say how awesome it was to put my wedding dress on and be able to grab two generous handfuls either side.. lol

Today I think that I may just blah blah about some things..random dribble...well at least that's what I think it is.
I am watching Ava play in her tent, enjoying being a velociraptor..eating her 'kill'. Dinosaur play is abound in this household everyday....some days I am a huge brachiosaurus, eating leaves and pond scum. Its my job to fend of the huge T-Rex Rudy, who throws me down in one foul swoop and bites my neck. Yes my 5 year old daughter likes the thrill of the chase too...I can't tell you how many bruises I have from her accidentally biting me on purpose or the scratches on my belly from her using her raptor claws..sometimes a little too eager . LOL.
So random things....I am pretty observant and this week has presented me with some extreme issues.
1: Ava has taken to asking me the same question over and over in regard to books, movies, T.V shows, YouTube and anything really. That question is "Is is appropriate?" huh? where did she pick this big word up from? oh yes..its me.. I used it once in reference to her doing something inappropriate..guess it stuck. How long that question remains is open for negotiation.
2: Emily wants blue hair, yes the electric blue hair..look, I'm not opposed entirely and if she wants it that's fine but it WILL only last a week..hope you are reading this my daughter.
3: INSOMNIA: nothing new really but its been taken to a whole new level..no sleep whatsoever and passing out in my coffee by midday does not help Ava with home schooling does it?. I swear I dribbled most of the day and my eyes crossed over to the dark side several times. must make an effort to wind down in the evenings, I'm going to kill myself by lack of zzzzzzzzzzzzz's.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!

4: Smoking again..yep I feel the need for a ciggie everyday..so so bad and I know my kids will hate me but its my only release ATM..send me cigars and I may quit or some of those Bali cigarettes.

5: Lack of interest in food, cooking, shopping, food, shopping, cooking, did I say food? I hate it, which we never had to feed others or ourselves..nothing about food makes me happy. I used to love cooking but now its a chore..one I reluctantly do...will probably replace food with vodka..what do you reckon?

I WARNED THE KIDS THIS COULD HAPPEN!

6: Home renovations: yes I finally relented and am allowing someone to come into our house to lay our floors, we have the money but I hate strangers in my home, I am social phobe..no self esteem and feel a bit inadequate as a housekeeper..some have said its Leo pride..it probably is, but the floor man made me comfortable :) and I told myself to suck it up..told myself not to let my head go there, I can always pretend I'm not there..wheres my invisible coat though?.
7: Well there is so much more but its too complicated and personal to reveal here..what I will say is that its slowly being sorted..ever so slowly my life seems to be tracking the way I want it within some constraint..I often do wish for a 'different' life but don't we all? that's why they are called pipe dreams.
As long as I have my husband, my kids and my camera I'm pretty much happy, just don't ask me to cook!!! you never know what I'll serve or even if its edible....did I tell you how often my kids have eaten out of a can or a frozen box this last month?. Laziness yes but more a lack of enthusiasm.
I want my cooking mojo back...however am I going to complete the long awaited gumbo and souffle?
                                                   

I like to dance..but I do it better in my sleep

As most of you know I am a rheumatoid arthritis sufferer, most of my joints, especially my knees are cactus...I hobble like an old woman most days and to be honest I look awful when I'm out. Pain killers do not work unless I want to be Amy Whinehouse(only fatter).
So when I get the chance, through the day with chillie or on my own I like to dance..yes I know...the visuals are overwhelming....ever seen the movie "the jerk?" well I'm a little like that..gotta get my rhythm on..although my eldest daughter tends to roll her eyes and pretend to gag at some of my cool 80's moves like the chicken scrap and my attempt at being Madonna in like a virgin.( I don't own a ra ra skirt, fleuro socks or that sexy blonde hair anymore but the black eyeliner still abounds and those beads are somewhere in the back of my closet).
Ava is quite happy for me to dance whatever..her favourite move at the moment is called the duck swim, its quite unique really.
We all love our favourite music..I like my 80's music and am a little partial to heavy metal, Ava is obsessed with house and funk music and loves jazz, although most days she asks for Metallica.
Emily like the usual teen crapola but I have cultured her a bit and she likes to listen and dance to Michael Jackson, The Eagles, M &M music factory etc.
In my dreams my dancing is always so superb, I love it when I dream of being a ballet dancer or a club dancer complete with latex dress!!. the reality is my dance moves are not so slick, or so grand, but at the end of the day, if music is on in the house and I even just click my fingers or tap my feet my inner groover is happy, you just have to take those small moments of bliss you allow yourself and run with it.
So in cripple city, if you ever get the chance to see me dance don't be surprised if I crack out the old bum shake or pretend to give you a lap dance, because its just me expressing my inner Britney....just ask my kids how 'special' my dancing is LOL..it really does make them love me more I'm sure!!.

the things they do and say

So most of you know we are trying to get a diagnosis for Ava , we see the state development team in 2 months and it could not come any sooner.  We know we are going to have to push for it but hey, this tough mummy does not back down for anyone, including professionals. I will be armed and ready with evidence, video footage, tape recordings, whatever it takes.
This last 2 months has me homeschooling our gorgeous little chillie, some days I feel like throwing the towel in, I can count to ten, reigning in my frustrated side several times a day, after a week it becomes tiresome and well, plain exhausting.
Theres only so many "I can't do it's", or " Ava is on holidays but Lewie the horse is here, I'm not talking, horses don't talk they whinny or grunt" So there goes my day. Even if I ask Ava to come back from holidays the horse wins.
Then there are those days when love abounds, when she calls me "Mrs Garrett" and we have flour fights when we make scones, and art wars on the whiteboard.
My favourite time is story time, choosing lots of books to read and role playing the characters. I can't tell you how many times we've played Lion King and either Ava or me are Scar and Mufasa, she like it when Scar pushes Mufasa of the canyon LOL..must be the most dramatic scene!!.
I love those days when its just her and her Dad. They like to hang out in the garden, or snuggle or hit the playground and library. Gives me a huge break.
Sometimes its hard to understand what she wants or means though.
For a while there she was refusing to flush the toilet or even go to the toilet. 5 weeks later we find out why.. (she does not always know why). Apparently Emily had accused her of eating lollies in the toilet.. huh? yep you are thinking the same as me, what a pathetic, irrational reason. To her though its very real, and very rational. You really have to accept it, say " I know you did not eat lollies in the toilet" and move on.. yep..move on..nothing more to explain, just flush the damn toilet and go to the toilet from now on won't you?.
Sometimes she is so funny. We were sitting in bed talking about fairies the other night and there happened to be a knock on my window..I think a bird flew into it. Ava looked at me with the most surprised look on her face, squealed in delight and shouted very loudly "MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THERES A TOOTH FAIRY OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WANTS MY TOOTH BUT ITS NOT WOBBLY ENOUGH,"
I had to giggle at that one.....even when we went to a recent party she was convinced the face painting fairies were real..she even asked them if they lived in a secret garden. I love that her imagination is so vivid, sometimes it is too vivid and interferes in her daily life. For such a long time she believed that the wind was nasty ,so we did not venture outside for at least 3 weeks. Every time we went to get in the car she screamed, I gave up until one day she decided after all that the wind was good..you have to be patient, you can't change her mind, it won't always work. Those are the times when its hard, when life has given you lemons but the lemonade is elusive.
Music is always good therapy in our house, as is dancing..Ava has an amazing affinity with rhythm and movement..whenever shes stressed, we dance..we sing..we just move our bodies..it soothes, calms and gets us focused on regrouping to better the day.
I am so lucky to have such an odd child, I like her quirks, I like who she is, I just love everything about her,and whats more important is that even if we have a bad day, if we can wake up the next morning with a smile, some sunshine and a cuddle then everything else seems trivial and insignificant. Love your children for everything they are..and desire to be...

                                                       what can i say?

                                                      dancing queen

                                                       daywear..pyjamas and headphones lol

Its been a while

Sorry to all my followers, this last few weeks have had the little fly inside of me buzzing out of control, upside down and over the moon!!.
Its been sad, happy, busy, frustrating and emotional......but we are alive, surviving what life throws at us on a daily basis.
I wanted to share a few things in this blog so its going to be long. I know I promised to write every day but because I am homeschooling Ava ,I tend to forget about my needs lately. All my focus is on getting this unique individual to a place where she is happy. There does not seem to be many happy moments lately but the one thing I can say is that Ava's language skills go above and beyond my expectations sometimes.
Several words have emerged this past couple of week which deliver shock and awe status..not that I'm surprised but certain older individuals need to be mindful of her innate ability to take things literally.
Sometimes its funny and sometimes its embarrassing and sometimes I roll my eyes because at that time its just too much to even think about!!.
Emily, my wonderful bright, engaging, funny, messy, highly moral teen has had a few issues in relation to her schooling. She does not think her words or discussions or debates will have any impact whatsoever on her grades. I am of the opinion that grades are subjective, over the years I have always just read the comments, taking them with a pinch of salt, I expect the usual remarks like "Emily is a hard worker who has a natural ability for blah blah" and tend to skip over the grade.
High school has been a challenge though..I mean I know she doing well and a couple of subjects could have been better but what got me was a teacher describing her as having a 'forceful nature' This just made me plain giggle. I was wetting my pants with laughter, anyone that knows my daughter knows she will debate you, stand up for her underdog peers or take a moral high stance at things which her school buddies just laugh off.... its not unusual for her tell a teacher that what she is saying is bigotry, racist, morally unethical or wrong.
I remember her grade four teacher telling her that Tutankhamen was his 'real name' and it was 'said like that'.
Emily told her different, even went as far to say that she had already done a whole years research on Egyptian beliefs and kings and that it was 'not his real name' and it was 'not said like that'.
Anyhoo, I get a phone call from the teacher saying that Emily was willful and argumentative. I know she can be but if she's right, she's right. I asked the teacher what was said, the teacher was adamant she was correct and that Emily was 'making things up'. It got Em so angry!! it got me angry and frustrated, once again teachers were 'boxing' her intelligence. Treating her like she was a dummy and knew nothing. Needless to say Ems 'comments' from 'that teacher' were not so nice at the end of the year. Never mind we had just brought our very premature baby home after 5 months in a Perth hospital.... never mind my eldest daughter was ripped out of her home and had to go to another school with strangers and new teachers and new rules. She shows a great deal of resilience and courage, I never heard her complain once....only years later did we realise how much of an impact it had on her. I was pretty much full time at the hospital. Graeme had to go back to work and I saw Em in between dinner and bed and pumping milk and breakfast.
So now at school she picks and chooses those teachers that nurture her, provide that little extra or recognise she actually wants to work and has a brain. Already, at year nine, after day one she has slammed several teachers because they are treating her like a 13 year old (well she is but sometimes her brain is not). Its just considered as 'defiant and arrogant' in her school.
On the other hand, Ava my mother nature goddess is embracing home school but is having difficulty recognising routine and time. She thinks breakfast is either an all day event or not at all. Clothes are not required for school or a 'pyjama day' is what she wants because her skirts are 'not right', or 'its the wrong colour'. I suppose there is always 'something '.
So here's the challenge, Ava has a half diagnosis of Aspergers (I say half because we have not completed the diagnostic procedure)..
Everything we do in daily school life is geared around her sensory issues, her ability to integrate properly and how much we can get through without huge meltdowns or refusal to work.
Some days are better than others.
A fellow mum with a child who has Aspergers once said "Its better to have a non productive calm day that an escalated out of control bad day". This has kind of stuck and helps us achieve what we need to achieve.
I mean if Ava is colouring in and the colour is not right, its not out of the ordinary for her to get upset and hide under the table for an hour. You can try to get her out, which I do or I can leave her alone to help herself. The latter is usually successful but it could take a while. Patience and understanding is the key here, to be able to recognise when this is not 'just a tantrum' and that you 'know' her brain is just wired wrong...shes currently residing in Afghanistan but you want the 'calm blue oceans' of Tahiti.

SHE WOULD RATHER BE AN ANIMAL ALL DAY..

Well I have to stop here because already the school day has begun, its not a good start, Emily is home from school once again and the clash of the sisters has begun....please see this blog spot in a couple of days..check in to my dramas and triumphs lol.

                                                     SISTERLY BONDS..

TEEN WITH 'TUDE

                                           HOME SCHOOL AT ITS BEST..EVEN ON SUNDAYS..

homeschooling, unschooling, bloody schooling!!

I'm not that organised yet but have managed to at least write a lesson plan for the week.....in between making frogs, explaining what an 'eye' is in a storm is, having apple pips shoved at me to be planted, wiping dirty hands from lunch which quite frankly should have been wiped on her pants like a normal kid, being told I have to do English NOW!!! this very minute or I might end up in the bin!!.
I wonder if I will ever be able to do this whole home school thing and keep house, give my teen the attention she needs satisfy my husband and pursue my dreams without falling in a physical heap of poo.
Today Ava's keeness just went on and on and on..how do you tell them formal parts of schooling are over for the day? I mean she did not want to stop and that's o.k but I have to do the washing sometime and go to the toilet.. "No mum you can't!! I'm working and you are my teacher capeche?" yep she used those words.
I eventually sent her shopping with her dad..complete with a list which as usual she took charge of LOL.
Apparently whilst cruising the aisle on her pretend scooter she yelled out very loudly "DADDDDD!!!!! did you see the redhead?" I suppose its better than calling out "DADDDDDDD did you see that Ranga?".
Oh the joy of 4 year olds, or should I say nearly 5 year olds.
I suppose in a way, the methods of teaching Ava at home totally suit Montessori style perfectly, she embraces activity (sometimes a little too much) and pursues the one thing vigorously.
Downside is, mummy might find herself sleeping on the job or getting sick of making cupcakes or just heave at the smell of too much glue, either way I'm sure my little sponge will flourish and prove to everyone how capable and strong she is..even if we still have to wear ear muffs out and she spends her time burying her face in my side or averting eyes continually so she thinks she can't be seen.

                                               'CONEY' THE FROG